Coming to Terms

I will eventually come to terms
with being alone,
but for now,
it's still the most painful thing.

How do you tell your heart
to let go of the very one
who made it whole,
brought it to life again?

Holding on means
feeling the barbs of every
memory you planted inside
me.

I will eventually come to terms
with your arm's length embraces,
separating yourself even as we
come together.

How do you continue to reach
for that most painful thing -
that barbed wire heart -
when every wound still bleeds?

Holding on means more time
spent washing wounds
than listening to your heart beat
next to mine.

Worst

The worst alone
is the one you feel
when someone is
holding your hand.

Reaching

I have to wonder sometimes
what is so wrong with me
that my desire to
love and to be loved
is so unreasonable,
so unattainable.

Am I so broken that the
heart I have shown you is
so repulsive, unwantable,
that you dare not even touch it?

As if my scars were contagious.
Or you might be associated with my kind:

The desperate feelers who reach and grasp
like bodies in the Styx,
just wanting to be reached back for.

Money Back Guarantee

This isn't the life I ordered.
"Item not exactly as shown":
what an understatement.

If I send this back,
do I still have to pay the shipping?
I'm pretty sure the mistake was
on the warehouse's end; not mine.

This isn't the life I ordered:
I ordered the large.
I got the small.

I'm twenty-six years old.
My friends are getting married,
buying houses.
I have a "complicated entanglement'
and roommates.

This isn't the life I ordered.
I wanted the vibrant rainbow,
but you sent me the earth tones.

I make an hourly wage
that barely feeds my cats.
I haven't done laundry in a month,
but I guess this shirt smells clean enough.

This isn't the life I ordered.
I asked for the portable version,
and you gave me the stationary model.

I can't get out of the city
to clear my head
as my mode of transportation
is a second-hand bike whose brakes
don't work when they're wet.

This isn't the life I ordered.
I wanted the compatible extension,
but I received the individual model.

I fantasize about someday
loving someone
who loves me back.

This isn't the life I ordered.
I want my money back.

Alone in Your Bed

I fantasize about freeing myself
from this love you don't share
while you breathe gently,
deeply,
next to me, with your
arm draped over me,
so casually affectionate in your
slumber.

Stroking your hair, I whisper
my "I love you"s,
alone in my heart,
with you in your bed.